[16 September, 2009]


My mind, it does funky things.

Like when I recently picked up a long-forgotten book, one I thought was mine, off my bookshelf and saw an old friend's name written in tiny letters in the upper right-hand corner of the opening page, I felt punched in the stomach. I started having the dreams again. Dreams that ruminate on our then-connection and haunt me all day afterward.

Thankfully these dreams have over the years lessened in intensity. They went from depicting our (again, then-) soulmateness in a way that left me with an aching heart in the morning to cordial camaraderie that just turns me wistful. They've even recently included a priest collar, which I think is a step in the right direction?

I realized this book was given to me sometime around 8 years ago, and holy shit, time flies. A lot has happened in those years, of course, for both of us, and dammit, it is time to let go.

I am trying to understand here, what it is that I am holding on to. An idealistic image of love imprinted on my youthful impressionable brain? The true qualities of a really awesome person? The way I liked myself in that particular time period of my life?

Most importantly, it hurts that we are no longer part of the same movement, no longer marching side-by-side toward a great goal. We were both little punks back then, trying to find something anything in and out of ourselves that made sense. Now, I still retain a large part of that identity: a bohemian vagabond without roots and never good at playing by the rules. Whereas he? He found a family, settled for a brotherhood, for belonging, and will now be protected, safe, and taken care of. It's still a radical decision, given modern values, but it borders on a more conservative conformity, one I can't totally understand. I should be happy for him, but I just terribly miss the raucous friendship of our past.

4 sighs or salutations:

Badass Geek | 16 September, 2009

Time sure does have a way of slipping past us, doesn't it.

daria | 16 September, 2009

I know! It's weird referring to major events in life as having happened almost 10 years ago!

Antonina | 20 September, 2009

It seems the bonds from youth might be the strongest in life. With all our rough sides, we just don't seem to fit into other people that easily any more. It is hard to establish meaningful connections with others, because as we age we all head our own direction, become less permeable.
The quote I read on the TV on a bus today: "As you get older it is harder to have heroes" (Hemingway) It is a precious experience to have ever had a hero and to have been one for someone as well...

BTW What was the book?

daria | 21 September, 2009

Those are good points. And oh, Hemingway. Always the pessimist. I'm not sure if I was ever his or anyone's hero, heh, but I certainly had my hero-filled idealistic moments for which I sometimes still feel nostalgic. It's hard growing up and becoming increasingly aloof and skeptical of everything and everyone around us. In our youth, I think we seek out a certain acceptance, a belonging with fellow people. Whereas now, people are pulling away, becoming more individualized, starting their own more secluded lives, settling. Sigh. I miss my old friends, basically.

Also, you guys have TVs on buses??

And the book was Salman Rushdie's "The Satanic Verses". It's a very interesting read, and it goes along with the next post that I've been work on (and by working on, I mean, typing up sentence-by-sentence in between running around from here to there. Oy.)

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