Prostokvasha

[03 May, 2014]

on healing

I keep meaning to document my journey from experiencing life as a dark brooding storm that can overtake me at any moment to something more pleasant, perhaps as a challenging yet exciting hike through beautiful woods.

One step toward healing has been in labeling certain childhood experiences as trauma. Straight up, no guilt-strings attached, no taking care of other people's feelings but searching the depths of my own emotions, trauma.

I thought that I was just a pessimistic, maybe a little bit sad, maybe a little bit angry, and lot lonely kind of person. I thought I just had a despairing disposition. I thought I was just sensitive and reacting strongly to many of life's challenges. Turns out, I have been experiencing prolonged post-traumatic stress.

Lifted straight out of the diagnostic criteria, my experiences have included:

  • Somewhat: "recurrent, involuntary, and intrusive distressing memories of the traumatic event"
  • Pretty much: "dissociative reactions (e.g., flashbacks) in which the individual feels or acts as if the traumatic event were recurring"
  • Definitely: "intense or prolonged psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event"
  • Definitely: "marked physiological reactions to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event"
  • Definitely: "avoidance of or efforts to avoid distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event"
  • Definitely: "avoidance of or efforts to avoid external reminders (people, places, conversations, activities, objects, situations) that arouse distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event"
  • Definitely: "persistent and exaggerated negative beliefs or expectations about oneself, others, or the world (e.g., 'The world is completely dangerous,' 'My whole nervous system is permanently ruined')"
  • Definitely: "persistent, distorted cognitions about the cause or consequences of the traumatic event that lead the individual to blame him/herself or others"
  • Definitely: "persistent negative emotional state (e.g., fear, anger, guilt, shame)"
  • Somewhat: "feelings of detachment or estrangement from others"
  • A little: "persistent inability to experience positive emotions (e.g., inability to experience happiness, satisfaction, or loving feelings)
  • Pretty much: "irritable behavior and angry outbursts (with little or no provocation) typically expressed as verbal or physical aggression toward people or objects"
  • A little: "hypervigilance and exaggerated startle response"
The list may be overwhelming, but it feels good to point my finger and say, I haven't been crazy or overacting. I have been a victim, I suffered, and in many ways, continue to suffer. But I also actually look forward to leaving many of these experiences in the past now, and rebuilding my private, emotional life in the way I want and deserve for it to be. Setting boundaries around myself and saying that I deserve to live without emotional violence has been one huge step.

No one will live my life for me. My life is exclusively mine; I can do with it whatever I want. And now, finally, I will. I know that I deserve to be free of residual emotional turmoil and I know that I will be.

0 sighs or salutations:

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