[25 January, 2008]


Someone put up the following quote on their personal website: Dream like Silverstein Love like Shakespeare Purge like Plath. And I thought how in my life, it would probably go something like: Dream like Lennon Love like Wilde Purge ... purge, really? as in, how exactly? ok, fine... Purge like Van Gogh.

It might change tomorrow though.

I keep getting hurt in sharp little ways by people all around me, and I just don't know how to deal with it. As of right now, I dwell and I dwell and I mentally go over the spoken comments, intentional or otherwise, and I come up with reasons and explanations and I play devil's advocate. And all this is giving me quite the headache. I feel like I should have some form of a shield, a defense mechanism, by now... but no. No luck. Why won't my being protect itself with some sort of a system? What's wrong with me? Where is Freud when I need him?

They say I need to just get over these petty things, to just not let it boggle my mind for so long. To not let it take a toll on my stress level and my mental and physical health. But how can I just disregard even the small attacks from those who hold a dear and vulnerable place in my life? These attacks, they feel so personal, so deeply rooted, and so offensive. And something that cannot be ignored.

So this is a real reason as to why I very well may become a hermit in the future. With enough books, Oreos, and Sauvignon Blanc, I just might be able to handle it. No joke.

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