This is the part where I realize how unfair I am being to everyone around me.
These freak-outs are certainly not helping me appreciate what I do have in my life. I spend my brain energy wishing, imagining, longing, distancing myself from the good. It just needs to stop, somehow. Now that I've calmed down a bit and have some of my wild emotions under control, I can take a breath and move forward. Hopefully.
New solution:
1. Stop being a f'ing asshole and take in all the love I am given. Seriously. It is really not fair of me to be so ungrateful. I have to stop trying to change what simply is, and just see it for all its wonderfulness. Yes, that will make for much better relationships and mental health.
2. Rather than waiting for emotional openness to come my way, maybe I could try taking things into my own hands a little. I suppose I haven't been the bestest friend either. Have I wondered about his life, opinions, and reactions? It totally sucks and feels like I am prying, but maybe it will ultimately bring about more comfort? Maybe it'll cause cracks in this dense wall of ours? Bring about some heart-felt vulnerability? Sigh, we have to start somewhere. This will be my only attempt to change the situation, and even that will come from changing me and my interactions, rather than expecting change to happen where I am powerless. It's all I can do, really, so let's hope for the best.
Maybe it's a sign little D is growing up?
I am really only praying that
The words you'll soon be saying
Might betray
The way you feel about me
[30 April, 2008]
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2 sighs or salutations:
Changing yourself rather than expecting others to change is a good sign of maturity, my dear d.
:* good work.
i try, i try...
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