[24 December, 2009]

not the best or most finished piece of writing here, but i had to get it out one way or another

I know I usually get into a funk around this time a year, and it is maybe not completely fair to write right now, but. Here it is.

I am trying to understand this funk, the stuff that always kind of lingers throughout the year and then intensifies during the holidays. And again and again I come back to the fact that I live in a foreign world with foreign people according to foreign rules. I'm sure that's the root of the problem and the reason why I have unreasonable (though kind of reasonable) urges to move to Russia or England, or even anywhere would be fine because there I would just be foreign without having to pass for someone who is not.

Talking to my grandparents on Skype makes me sad because they are old and we all left them. I know they are managing, for now, but I also know that they are lonely and that they miss us. I have these dreams of going over there to live with them and of fixing up their apartment. (And it's not even like I would have to sacrifice my lifestyle to go live in some rural forgotten place. This is Saint Petersburg, for god's sake, and their apartment is in the center of town.) But how can I, when this plan requires money, and not only do I not have any, but I am thousands of dollars in debt to the Department of Education. I keep hoping and wishing to find some loophole in the direction which my future is taking. I keep hoping and wishing that this country, being the Land of Opportunity, will give me the opportunity to go back, somehow.

My mom is the only blood-related person I have in the US, but spending the holidays (or any extended time) with her is like eating a bowl of razorblades. I'm sorry, mom, but you know we just don't see eye to eye. It makes me sad, too, but unfortunately, I've learned to keep my distance.

So here I am, partaking in foreign (не родные) activities for the next two weeks, while faking being cheerful and sociable. Although, I could really use some spiked eggnog and a dose of sugar cookies right now (neither one of which is actually part of said activities).

2 sighs or salutations:

ряж(л)енка | 27 December, 2009

i'm sorry i wasn't really a good listener on thursday. i was sleep-deprived and frantic about the stupid presents, which, in retrospect, as always, weren't nearly as big a deal as you think they'll be. i can't help you much (and by the way, the thing about fixing up the grandparents' apartment - i feel that too), but the sugar cookies i can do. : ) when will you be back in berkeley?

daria | 30 December, 2009

It's really fine. I'm glad you were able to find something, for presents. Yeah, I've really been thinking about the whole apartment thing and the grandparents thing. Очень хочу помочь им сделать ремонт в квартире... но не знаю, как на ето папа посмотрит, хех. But um, thanks for the sugar cookies offer. I can, of course, make them here, too. Just after all the christmas and new year's and whatever other cooking is out of the way and I'm allowed to take over the kitchen. :) We'll be back in Berk Jan 5th.

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