[18 July, 2014]

breaking arms

I'm terrified.

I'm not usually a risk taker--I refuse to place bets, I wear a helmet on a bicycle, I almost always go the speed limit--and yet I seem live a pretty risky life. I refuse to settle. I go right for the bullseye. I let my heart lead me around the earth. I wish I could say it felt exhilarating--sometimes it does--but right now it feels terrifying.

It's terrifying because I change the consistency of my life. I uproot and get used to my surroundings, in endless cycles. I move from city to city, then from country to country. I encounter a lot of dissent for my decisions. I wish my attitude would allow me not to care, but I'd like to have the support from the people who matter.

I admit, with age, it becomes harder and harder to be a vagabond with convictions and a career. But it also becomes harder and harder to live away from my community. I am pulled toward my homeland, and then toward my husband's homeland. I am pulled and I follow the pull. I don't resist and I hope it works out for the best of everyone. It's still terrifying though, and I am terrified.

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