upcoming mother's day feelings

I am still in that adolescent (maybe younger?) stage on this issue, where my emotions are intense and confusing. I wasn't allowed to feel much, or at least not to express any guilt-inducing dangerous emotions like anger and hurt. I wasn't allowed to have a voice and I am still working out some way to be.

So here are some feeling according to Smashing Pumpkins lyrics:

Despite all my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage






Pink ribbon scars
The never forget
I tried so hard
To cleanse these regrets
My angel wings
Were bruised and restrained
My belly stings




Maybe one day I'll channel my feelings into art and help others know that they are not alone.

almost there

I know I should write more about life in California, it being different than any other place in which I've lived so far. But it's hard when said life is being spent on producing page after page on ambiguous topics like emotion regulation. While not effectively regulating own emotions.

Soon though, summer vacation will begin, and with it, a trip to London. I will try to capture what I can of the gloomy romantic city, because this is exactly how I imagine it: gloomy, romantic, gray buildings and moist cobblestone streets, dreamy strangers passing secret gazes in coffee shops while writing existential poetry to distant lovers. And if it isn't like I imagine, well, then Oscar Wilde owes me an apology.

As for my 5AM distraction, here are some songs from a movie that first got me into Radiohead, which also happens to be the movie that first got me into Leonardo DiCaprio. That is, for a whole few months, until "Titanic" blew up in everyone's faces:





Ok, and now I am sad at the concept of young passionate love. Is it wrong that I kind of want someone to defy the rules of society for the sake of being with me? Although maybe I'd take the life of my cousin over one lunatic teenage boyfriend... It's a close one.