[18 January, 2008]


I am coming out of my hiatus, otherwise known as Graduate School Applications Hell, on an exhausted and grumpy Friday night. I think it must be all the stress, fatigue, and uneasiness from the entire work week rolled up in a ball now slowly exploding in my chest. On the drive home, I just kept spacing out into the dusking sky and fading in and out of sad songs on the radio. My sleep patterns have been off and when I am tired, I am short tempered and extremely sensitive. And I always end up spending these nights crying over stupid reality tv under my down comforter longing to be cuddled.

I really should be better at being alone. Humans are funny like that - we've created this whole interconnected society for ourselves, put all these expectations on finding partners and making families, and yet, ultimately, we spend most of the day alone, in ourselves, for ourselves. My mom once told me that over the course of our entire lives, there will probably only be one, maybe two people who will truly understand and accept us. Sadly, this seems like the bitter truth.

Today, maybe under the circumstances of my end-of-the-week blues, I am feeling a bit jealous of my friends' close-knit families. I mean, seriously. Jeremy's mom AND brother both call him to make sure he is doing alright on a sucky work night. His brother sends him a plane ticket to visit their baby niece. Ellen and her parents are all getting together for her nephew's first birthday many states away, and she creates a beautiful baby book with pictures from his every stage with corresponding touching stories. And here I am, a lonely flower. No siblings, no nephews or nieces. And I haven't even talked to the one relative I have in this country, my mom, in at least two weeks.

God, seriously shut me up! Or cuddle me!

I think I need to sleep this off. Tomorrow, tomorrow I will wake up rejuvenated, unkindered, and walk out that door to face life with that strength I know I have, and with all this patheticness behind me on a Friday night long past.

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