we can do it

I have compared the experience of graduate school to that of having a child (you don't sleep, you tend to it 24/7, it brings you a great deal of pain and frustration, but also a sense of joy and accomplishment). But this is another apt comparison (though, I suppose, parenthood doesn't have a safety word, either). This graduate experience is quite torturous, and we have willingly submitted ourselves to it.

The hardest part this year is that, being the novice that I am, I'm always at the bottom, with very little to offer, while still evaluated. In addition to the usual classes, with their usual demands and assessments, I am suddenly in the role of the expert in many various domains. All of a sudden, I'm the one people turn to, but really, I'm a terrified toddler behind a mask of knowledge and readiness.

I mean, I know I was selected to be where I am for the important skills I do possess. I'm a statistics teacher, because I come from a family of mathematicians (huh, paying homage to ancestral talents? hello, collectivist upbringing) and probabilities don't scare me. I'm a high school counselor, because I know adolescence sure can suck and adults who you depend on for your life sure can suck, too. And I'd like to think I'm an empathetic listener. But as I go about the terrifying hours of my day, I'm constantly humbled by the truly amazing stories of all the fascinating people I get to meet. The clients, the students, the teachers, the supporters, you are what is right in the world. So I may at times not have a safety word, but my goggles of pessimism are starting to pick up on the bright specs of light and energy around me, so I guess it is worth it.

Thus, you know, this work, my life completely engulfed by and saturated in this work is quite exhilarating, actually. My mind is overextended between pondering the psyche, finding ways to research the psyche, and nurturing people's psyches in a therapeutic environment. And basically, (unlike my undergrad experience), I super love grad school.